Coping Postpartum: What to Expect

By Kelsey Fischer, Registered Psychotherapist

“Congratulations! You have a beautiful baby… now take them home and raise them”. This realization can feel terrifying. Having a baby is a huge adjustment. Many people, if not most, do not feel prepared for what comes next. Postpartum brings many changes – changes to your lifestyle, your body, your mental health, your sleep, your relationships and your priorities, among so many other things.

We all enter parenthood expecting things to change and to be challenging, but we often don’t realize just how much – this can be overwhelming. Your body is changing, your hormones are adapting, you are exhausted and there is no manual to tell you how to do it all. The first three months after your baby arrives are a time of adjustment for both you and your baby. Be kind to yourself through this period – it takes time to learn.

While preparing for this article, I spoke with various mothers in Grey and Bruce about the things they felt least prepared for as well as the things that helped them cope with the stress of becoming a mom and caring for a baby. This article talks about some of the main themes that emerged from those conversations.

Parenting Expectations

We often enter parenthood with certain expectations. Some may be realistic, and some might not be. These expectations might change as you gain a better understanding of what your baby needs from you. Let’s explore some common expectations that parents might have:

Sleeping through the night

Many parents expect their baby to start sleeping through the night shortly after coming home from the hospital. This expectation often comes from family, friends, or even social media. On social media, we tend to share only what’s going well, and when that’s all we see, it shapes our expectations. However, this isn’t the norm; babies need to sleep in short intervals around the clock. One reason for this is because their stomachs are small, and they need to eat regularly to stay full. Everything is new for them too, and that can be overwhelming. Babies need to feel safe, and closeness helps them to feel secure. This can make it challenging to get your baby to sleep in a bassinet or crib. It is okay to hold your newborn during naps – this benefits both you and your baby. If you’re struggling with your newborn’s sleep cycles, seek support from a professional or someone you trust.

Productivity

Social media also influences our expectations of what daily life will look like. We tend to enter parenthood thinking we will be able to clean the house, do three loads of laundry and have supper on the table by 6PM every day. While that might happen some days, it’s often unrealistic. Some days, simply keeping you and your baby fed is a huge accomplishment and that’s quite okay.

Getting out

We often see friends going to baby groups, swimming lessons, and other activities, and wonder how they manage to do it all? The reality is, they probably eased into it. The first three months after having a baby are a time of significant adjustment. Over time, you’ll get to know your baby and their needs, and you’ll eventually develop a routine. Once you feel more comfortable with your daily rhythm, you can start adding in baby groups and other outings. It is also okay to plan something but cancel at the last minute because it was a difficult night or morning. And if you choose not to participate in baby groups at all, that is perfectly fine too. Do what you are comfortable with.

Roles with partner

It’s important to discuss expectations with your partner before the baby arrives. You might have different ideas about roles and responsibilities, so it’s crucial to talk it through and reach a mutual understanding. For example, if your partner expects household chores to be done before they get home from work, communicate that that might not be realistic. If you’d like your partner to help with night feedings, communicate that. Your partner won’t know what you need unless you express it. Be prepared for these expectations to change once the baby arrives and you gain comfort in caring for your baby. It can be helpful to schedule regular check-ins with your partner so you can reassess both of your needs and come up with a plan that works for both of you.

Your Changing Relationships

Partner

Many people like to warn pregnant mothers that their relationship will never be the same after having a baby. While there is truth in this, it’s not all bad. You will have to adjust how you communicate to ensure everyone’s needs are met and understood. This can be challenging, but it can also be a time of growth. There will be moments of stress and exhaustion where you might say something you don’t mean. Take these moments as opportunities to learn. After saying something hurtful, be sure to take time to repair the relationship.

It is also important to prioritize time with your partner. This could be a family walk where you have time to talk and catch up, asking a grandparent or friend to watch your baby between feeds so you can have a quick lunch together, or simply taking 10 minutes while baby is sleeping to chat about your days. It does not matter what you do – the key is making time for each other and keeping your relationship strong.

Friendships

Friendships can also change after having a baby, and this can sometimes be surprising. Once your baby arrives, your priorities shift instantly – you need to be there for your baby 24/7. Some friends may struggle to understand this, especially if they haven’t had a baby themselves. While some may want to support you, they might not know how to offer help without feeling intrusive. It’s okay to reach out and invite them over, and it’s also okay to tell them if you need some space.

As you begin meeting other moms, it can feel good to connect with those who are in the same stage of life. However, this can also present challenges. There are many ways to parent, and not everyone does it the same way – this can lead to comparing or even competing. Remember, everyone is doing their best, and diYerent doesn’t mean wrong. Your parenting journey will not look exactly like anyone else’s, and that’s okay.

Whether your friends have children or not, it’s important to surround yourself with those who care about not just your baby, but you as well. These are the friends who encourage and uplift you. Without supportive people, motherhood can sometimes feel isolating.

Self-Care

When we think of self-care, we often envision fun activities that help us thrive. However, after having a baby, self-care becomes more fundamental. We need to prioritize the things necessary for survival before focusing on what helps us thrive. Tasks that once felt automatic now require active planning – at least until we adjust and establish a comfortable routine. The following list outlines examples of self-care activities that we sometimes forget in the early postpartum period:

• Eating
• Drinking water
• Taking a shower
• Napping
• Going outside everyday
• Taking breaks
• Asking for support
• Spending time with your partner
• Spending time with a friend
• Reminding yourself you are doing the best you can and that it’s enough

Setting Boundaries

Self-care also means setting boundaries. As you enter parenthood, your priorities and what you once accepted may no longer feel okay. Sometimes setting these boundaries can upset or make others feel uncomfortable. In those early postpartum days, it is essential to focus on healing, sleeping and learning your baby’s needs. If you don’t want visitors, that’s okay. It can be helpful to ask your partner to communicate these needs with family and friends. While those close to you are excited and eager to meet the new baby, prioritizing your wellbeing is of utmost importance.

Social Media

Social media can be a helpful resource, but it can also be a source of stress. Some accounts are run by professionals with expertise in specific areas or by mothers who are honest about the struggles and triumphs of parenthood. These types of accounts can be supportive and reassuring, helping you feel less alone. Conversely, some accounts can make you feel inadequate or like you’re failing as a parent. It is important to identify and unfollow those that do not serve you – deleting these accounts can be a form of self-care. When choosing who and what to follow on social media, look for those that align with your values and are based in research and child development.

Conclusion

A friend once told me “It is not defeat to ask for help”. Everyone needs support sometimes, and asking for it does not mean you are failing or being selfish. With so much focus being on the baby, it can be challenging to admit you need something too. Acknowledging that you are only one person and that it takes support from others to be the best parent you can be is vital.

Be aware of your mood. It is common to feel sad in the first two weeks after your baby is born, but if those feelings persist beyond that, you may be experiencing a postpartum mood disorder, in which case seeking medical attention is important. Talk to your family doctor and they can connect you with the appropriate supports.

Parenthood is beautiful and challenging. It will change your life in countless ways. It will be the hardest thing you do, and it will also be the most rewarding thing you do. Seeing your little one smile for the first time will fill you with joy, watching them roll over for the first time will instill pride, and witnessing the little person they grow into will be incredibly fulfilling. As you enter this new stage, remember to be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time), and don’t hesitate to ask for help from others. Parenting is easier when you don’t feel alone – find your village.

“It takes a village to raise a child” – Loris Malaguzzi

Kelsey Fischer, MA, RP, RECE is a registered psychotherapist with the Brockton and Area Family Health Team. She works with all ages including children, youth and families. Kelsey is a mother of an 18-month-old and is passionate about supporting and educating new moms in the Grey Bruce area.